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'You' 1.01 Recap - This is more difficult than I thought...

'You' 1.01 Recap - This is more difficult than I thought...

After reading too much Betches, I have decided I may have the chops to write tipsy recaps of our favourite trashy television shows. Why not start with the smash hit, ‘You’; thankfully this dropped on Netflix because ain’t nobody got time for commercial breaks. Millennials, killing cable TV among other things. Anyway, my quick assessment of this show is: if Lonely boy (Gossip Girl) and Ezra Fitz (Pretty Little Liars) had a creepy ass hybrid baby, this show would chronicle his life.

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The episode begins with a unsettling voice over in which a male is having an internal conversation with a random female customer in the book store in which I assume he works. The girl is question is a conventionally attractive hybrid of Evan Rachel Wood and Betty Copper from Riverdale. She literally is the embodiment of every white ‘Madewell’ model I have ever seen (aka BASIC).

Madewell Girl Starter Pack

Madewell Girl Starter Pack


This guy’s internal ongoing conversation with with this girl is too fucking much. like “oh you want me to see you’re not wearing bra” NO DUDE IT’S 2019 AND WE HATE BRAS. This has nothing to do with you and R/NiceGuys is calling for you.

But…

Here is the thing, Penn Badgley is a fox. I understand that they want him to appear creepy but I am still so here for him and his bone structure for daaaays. That hipster, floppy, curly mop and skin that looks like it hasn’t seen the sun thing works on me.

Hi Daddy…

Hi Daddy…

ANYWAY

We now find the name of our new friends: Guinevere Beck and Joe Goldberg and they have a very real conversation judging a bookstore patron who is buying a Dan Brown novel. We get it, people watching is the hobby of my generation.

Beck uses her credit card to pay for her purchases, and even that is chalked up to her wanting Joe to know her name. Um no Joe, she’s just fucking broke.

Joe wanders to his apartment and engages the neighbour boy in his building: Paco. Now instead of doing what kids these day do (help me out, what do they do?); Paco avoids the horrors of his home life by reading novels that people only read for SAT prep. I don’t know what is less believable that this kid isn’t just mindlessly doing Buzzfeed quizzes, or that people actually eat meatball subs.

After selflessly giving the least appealing sandwich to Paco, Joe wanders into his apartment and puts on some mood music so his internet stalking can commence. In the height of hipsterness he puts a RECORD on and gets right to the goodies. Basically commentary on how we all project our best selves on Instagram. DUH I can’t really post that I ate an entire bag of Flamin Hot Cheetos on a Tuesday because I am too lazy to cook. Instead here is a bombass selfie I took 6 months ago when I had the energy to paint my face. Everyone’s social media is a liar.

WOAH, HOW THE SHIT DID HE FIND HER APARTMENT FROM HER SOCIAL MEDIA? WTF - how did we end up here so quickly?

ALSO BECK CLOSE YOUR FUCKING BLINDS YOU IDIOT, you literally live on the street level and people can see everything that is going on in that apartment.

Also, of course she teaches yoga.

We now get to meet Beck’s group of friends. Body positive influencer, pretty adopted girl, and the goddess: Shay Mitchell. God she is gorgeous! She makes me feel like a fat slob. But her name is Peach and that’s obnoxious.

These girls are literally my demographic and I don’t even use the words “spirit animal”… Am I the strange one here?

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OF COURSE Beck is the poor girl in her rich friend group, struggling artist, tortured writer, trying to make ends meet in the Big Apple. Every NYC based story cliche ever.

Blah blah, more commentary of the disconnect between what we post online and real life. WE GET IT WE LIVE OUR BEST LIVES ON INSTA SO THE PEOPLE WE HATED IN HIGH SCHOOL DON’T KNOW WE ARE DED INSIDE.

Arrive back at Beck’s place, and EW, who is this douche. Benji? There seems to be trouble in paradise…

Okay Benji, the excuse “I was wasted I didn’t even finish” doesn’t mean you didn’t cheat. ALSO “she said she had really good blow” which, like… Okay this is clever because it could mean coke or oral. I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE! But also I thought we were over douche fuck boys treating us like shit? It’s 2019.

Craft soda. I pitched this in business school.

Actual photo of me in business school

Actual photo of me in business school

Okay… WOAH, did you not just hear the words that came out of his mouth “I was wasted and didn’t even finish”, and you still decide that sleeping with this guy is a good idea right meow? Oh fucking kay, please use a condom.

MAKE BETTER CHOICES AND CLOSE YOUR BLINDS!

Also okay fucking neckbeard, nice guy “you date guys that aren’t good for you and I need to save you.” R/NiceGuys is literally calling your name Joe. Just call Beck m’lady and we are in business.

Of course Beck didn’t come but ensured Benji did and is now finishing herself, PUSSY TO THE WINDOW, BLINDS OPEN. Am I a bad feminist for wanting her to have a touch more self respect? Also home girl, get a vibrator. It’s okay you can buy them online now.

OH MY GOD HOW MANY CRIMES IS JOE COMMITTING AT ONCE, NOW HE IS FAPPING IN THE STREET?! STOP IT YOU FUCKING PSYCHO! YOU’RE HOT, AND DON’T NEED TO STOOP TO THIS LEVEL, GO ON TINDER!

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Like here is the reality, you have all the trappings of someone who does not need to be a stalker, psycho, neck beard, asshole. You seem genuinely invested in the well being of Paco, you are well read, you have your own place sans roommates, you’re athletically slim, dress well, you have a nice face, and a hot ass voice. YOU COULD BE A CATCH BUT YOU’RE A FUCKING CREEPER.

OMG kid, do not go into that basement with him, don’t do it! Uh. There is a literal cage, and we are supposed to believe it is for books? Yeah, okay. Foreshadowing if I have ever seen it.

I’m digging his bomber jacket, where can I get one? That blue would make your eyes pop…

OH MY GOD HE CALLED THE GAS COMPANY TO BREAK INTO HER APARTMENT?!

WHO THE FUCK DOESNT HAVE A PASSWORD ON THEIR COMPUTER?

Becks is having difficulty managing her workload but cannot lessen that workload or else she loses her subsidized housing. Home girl, you know that having dinner with your adviser is not going to go well. LISTEN TO YOUR SPIDY SENSES. DANGEROPS! He will prey upon you.

So that was a shit meeting, Becks wanders into her apartment and….

Fuck fuck fuck, Becks can you not see Joe’s fucking shadow behind the curtain? like OKURR

Okay this is too real. her looking in to the mirror and hiccup crying is my JAM.

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So Becks is upset and agrees to meet her friends for drinks. She shows up and OMG SHAY STOP BEING THE MOST GORGEOUS. IT MAKES ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY. DO I WANT TO BE YOU OR DATE YOU? ITS CONFUSING.

Joe is at the bar, and my boyfrand decides that now is the time to drop the following truth bomb:

Actual Boyfriend Quote: “This dude is such a creep”

Well. He’s not wrong.

Can we talk about how the surreal thing is having three girls friends like life is Sex and the City? That is the true life challenge. Not finding a mate. Finding a friend group.

So Beck decides that she is going to read some of her poetry at this bar’s open mike night. Good on ya girl. This poem is amazing, but you slurring is ruining the delivery. Beautiful work though Beck! “YOU’RE DOING AMAZING SWEETIE!”

OMG I AM ANNIKA - she is such a hype girl! Honestly if you don’t have that friend that says “OMG your ass looks so amazing in that I just want to twerk on you allll night”, are you even a girl in your 20’s?

Beck loses her place and gets flustered… Heckler from the crowd - “Why are you so sad?”

I’M A MILLENNIAL, ALL I HAVE IS AVOCADO TOAST AND ANXIETY YOU FUCK.

me irl

me irl

“I can’t stand seeing this” proceeds to leave the bar.

I feel ya Joe. I also can’t stand seeing this.

HER FRIENDS SUCK, WHO LETS THEIR GIRLFRIEND WHO IS THAT DRUNK LEAVE ALONE.

Beck happens to wander into the same subway platform as Joe. And by wander I mean stumble.

FUCK ME SHE FELL

GET UP.

GET UP!

THE HOMELESS GUY IS THE ONLY SANE PERSON IN THIS SHOW

Finally Beck decides today is not the day she dies, leaps from the tracks in the nick of time, and lands in Joe’s waiting arms. They have a moment of staring into each other’s eyes annnnnd she vomits. Classic betch move. Joe and Beck share a cab back to her place, BEHOLD a wild Benji appears.

“YOU WASTE OF HAIR” IS MY FAVE BURN EVER..

In a singular moment of wisdom, Beck gives Joe her email and not her phone number, but lets be real, if anyone believes that her email is actually [email protected] and not [email protected] I am the waste of hair.

Beck and Benj head inside her apartment and Joe has stolen Beck’s phone. Great. Setting the stage for stalking to come.

Joe catfishes Benji Boy pretending to be a culture writer from New York Magazine; obviously trusting some random dude who contacted you and following them into a shady back alley and into a random building. And because Benji’s ego is SO fragile he can’t admit he doesn’t know where the fuck Joe is taking him and against probably his better judgement…

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MALLET! OH FUCK HE HIT BENJI! I KNEW THAT CAGE WASN’T FOR BOOKS…




Book Review: What I read this week

Book Review: What I read this week

January to July "No Buy" - The Low Down

January to July "No Buy" - The Low Down