One Year Later
As many things are in life, this is a bittersweet post to write.
One year ago today, my life utterly shifted. I have led a charmed life, I am part of a tight knit family, and had a childhood of love and learning. My parents are my best friends, my brothers are some of my biggest champions and alongside their partners are my greatest support system, my work and school family are some of the most amazing people and greatest friends! I found, relatively young, a partner and a love that weathered some difficult storms. Little did I know our great trial was yet to come.
One year ago today my strength, grace, and heart were tested in ways that no person should have to face, and it would only get worse. I woke up in the middle of the night with a sick feeling, and upon a little digging some of my worst fears were confirmed. Even writing this my heart beats a little faster and my chest grows tight.
Looking back on this past year, I understand that I had, and will continue to have lessons to learn. I just wish they never would have come at such a cost. Along with the anxiety and fear has come a weathered, less bright view of the world. While I find myself falling back into my lighthearted, glitteringly bright existence, there is still a hardness that alights my being. Yet I attended a concert this past weekend and for the first time in a year, I felt free. I felt utterly myself. Until you have spent a long while feeling like you're a stranger, you don't appreciate being totally and utterly yourself. Free to let yourself dance and be absorbed in music, to fully cast off fear, and be unabashedly you, bathed in joy.
I never had the view that people were inherently selfish, because I lived in such a manner that promoted the love and comfort of everyone I meet. Two women, and one man taught me that so many people are only motivated by their own self interest, that they will step on whomever and steal their choice to dictate the course of their life. I don't want to live with that view of the world, I don't want to accept that way of life. I want to continue to live a life of knowing that I have left people a little better off.
I have so many people to thank for helping me towards this point; you absolutely know who you are. I always knew I was strong and have a wonderful, exciting future ahead, but you helped me remember that future when I couldn't see past the pain. I love you all more than words can express. You are my family, so much more than friends. You all played a part in saving me.
To my family, I hope to work every day to show you how much I love and appreciate you. Without fail you have been my rock and my solace. Momma and Daddy, you gave me my strength, my hope, my tendency for forgiveness and have shown me the deepest, purest love it is a love that can never be fully expressed through words. Allison, I draw strength from your kindness, your world view, your pure love. Bryan, you make me laugh, give less of a shit, you give a balanced, real view of things and remember to not take things so seriously while being a rock for everyone around you. Achla, you are utter calm and no matter the situation you remind me that things will fall into place. Kieran, you remind me that distance, nor time dull the love and support you have for me. You will rush to my side or answer the phone in the middle of the night to listen to me cry and remind me that this too will pass.
To the man who almost broke me, you taught me that people can change, that through the pain and fear you can find a love that is stronger and more true than the one we had before. It first took you finally, and truly loving yourself to fully love me; I look at you and see a man who doesn't need to drown himself to feel happy and feel alive. All that noise was just a way to distract yourself from the fact that you never were happy with you. The one thing I could not do for you was love you enough to fill the hole of not loving yourself. Your patience, reassurance, forward view, and love help remind me every day to get out my head and live in the now.
As I close this painful chapter, and prepare to embrace a new season of my life, I will take with me the lessons I have learned. I know it's not an open and closed case, I know wounds are not fully healed. But I am hopeful.
My grandmother passed away this past week and that was one of the first deaths I have experienced. It gives one a lot of perspective. Life is to precious to live with anger and hatred, so Kali and Teresa I forgive you.
Okay friends, I hope you go make the world a better place and live a life that is beautiful and brings a little joy to everyone you meet.
That is a great legacy.